Depending on validation from outside instead of finding comfort within is what addiction counselors term 'co-dependency'. It's a root cause of many addictions, including alcoholism. In a world where women are raised to believe that we must be perfect wives, mothers and career women, instead of just being happy with who we are, co-dependency casts a long shadow over our souls.
Co-dependents find it far easier to please others than to take a stand for the fulfillment of their own needs.
Women are more prone to it because we are conditioned to be passive, to be carers and to give and keep giving. We are not allowed to get angry. So many of us don't realize how angry we really are. But we can assuage it with a drink.We are all, to some extent, co-dependent: everybody likes to get positive feedback. But dangerous co-dependency affects your life negatively - the slightest criticism makes you feel useless, or you can find yourself saying yes to big life decisions based on what others will think and not what you really feel. Co-dependency can destroy you and others around you.
It's not easy to look within.
It's too much, too empty. ‘I know I need to heal myself but I just can't do it.' So, afraid, she pours wine into the space instead. Co-dependents often grew up in homes where addiction was a feature and, with it, emotional and sometimes physical abuse; or they come from broken homes. They are what we call ‘adult children’.They have learnt to survive by keeping the peace, by appeasing and fixing, by taking on roles to counter the chaos, when in fact they should have been growing and learning their own boundaries. At a young age a co-dependent self is born and the real self goes into hiding.
It's very useful when you are a child who grew up in a broken home. But when you get older, it's self-sabotage.
No surprise, then, that the 12-step program of addiction treatment is a process of spiritual searching for the child that was lost so long ago. It is a process of learning that life is not about running from one thing to the next, but rather that life is a gift to be lived fully and spiritually, within the boundaries of each individual.
Each person's journey there is different. 'I'd gone into a depression, and when I drank I would often phone Lifeline,' says Stella, who agrees that depression and alcoholism go hand-in-hand. 'But I didn't hit rock bottom as such. I went to a psychiatrist and said I needed help. Someone who I respected had just come out of rehab, so that made it easier for me to do it. But I didn't know what I was getting myself into.'
'When I was drunk I became over-sensitive, aggressive and I would tell my children they we pigs, messy and so on,' says Candice. Then one night she hit them. 'The day afterwards I called my brother and told him I thought I had a problem and he said, ‘yes, you do’. Then I called all my family and friends and told them that I was an alcoholic and that I was going to rehab. That took a lot of courage.
Roughly one in four females drink at hazardous or harmful levels over weekends.
Sandra Prior runs her own bodybuilding website at http://bodybuild.rr.nu.
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